First Comes Marriage, Then Comes Love
by Ira Mathur
A suitable boy is first spotted by Bharati Narvani's uncle at a wedding in New Delhi, India. Bharati then lived in Trinidad where her parents migrated some 25 years ago from the Gujarat region of India. The 21-year-old university graduate was brought up with the customs and values of India. The boy, Manoj Solanki, 29, a civil engineer, is also of Gujarati parentage. Born in Liberia and educated in England, he went to India with his parents to find a bride.
Soon after that New Delhi wedding, Bharati accompanies her parents to India on one of their regular visits. She knows that her parents are making this trip with the hope of finding a groom for her. She is amenable to the idea. Bharati was never allowed to date, or mingle freely of her peers in Trinidad's Indian community.
Her friend, Sujata, the daughter of a well-known surgeon, reluctantly agreed to marry the son of a family friend in India. Before the wedding, she committed suicide by drinking gramoxone, a poisonous pesticide. Sujata was in love with a young man in Trinidad, and was too afraid to tell her parents. There is speculation that she might have been pregnant, and saw no other way out.
That will not be Bharati's fate. She will follow the ancient script of courtship and marriage that still prevails widely throughout India.
Once the Narvanis arrive in New Delhi, the uncle - the closest senior male relative in India - arranges a meeting of the two families. Manoj is accompanied by his mother and aunt, Bharati by her mother and uncle. A discreet discussion takes place among the elders: Is Manoj able to support a wife? Can Bharati adapt to a foreign country?
Finally the couple are given a chance to talk alone in another room. Manoj, being more confident, breaks the awkward silence with a joke. In between light bantering, the two manage to ask and answer serious questions about one another. Asking whether Bharati likes Indian movies, for instance, tells him how strong her cultural ties are. She wants to know whether Manoj expects her to be a housewife or will he be happy with her working? Will she live with her in-laws? His answers reassure her that they will live alone, that she is free to work, and that she can visit her parents whenever possible.
The attraction between the couple is immediate...
A month later, there is an elaborate engagement ceremony. Soon after, the wedding takes place in the couple's ancestral home of Baroda, Gujarat.....
Earlier this year, the newlyweds visited Trinidad the Narvani family. Bharati is radiant in her traditional bridal outfit. Manu, as she affectionately calls her husband, looks smugly satisfied. Those of us who knew Bharati before she was married have to admit she has gained confidence, matured and looks very happy.
Bharati's mother, Manju, misses her daughter tremendously, but is satisfied that the arranged marriage was the best she could have done for her.
It can also go horribly wrong. Meena, a 20-year-old high school graduate from Hyderbad in India, end up - through an arranged marriage - with a computer analyst ten years her senior. Sharing their home in Los Angeles, California, was her husband's American girlfriend.
Indian society is quick to reject divorced separated or abandoned women. If Meena went home, her parents' status in society would be shattered. Their pride and honour - on which the highest premium is placed - would make them societal rejects She had no choice but to accept her husband's mistress and live as a semi-servant in his house. Many Indians contend that arranged marriages are more successful than marriages in the West, particularly given the latter's staggering divorce rates. Romantic love does not necessarily lead to a good marriage, and often fails once the passion dissipates, they argue. Real love flows from a properly arranged union between two individuals...
A suitable boy is first spotted by Bharati Narvani's uncle at a wedding in New Delhi, India. Bharati then lived in Trinidad where her parents migrated some 25 years ago from the Gujarat region of India. The 21-year-old university graduate was brought up with the customs and values of India. The boy, Manoj Solanki, 29, a civil engineer, is also of Gujarati parentage. Born in Liberia and educated in England, he went to India with his parents to find a bride.
Soon after that New Delhi wedding, Bharati accompanies her parents to India on one of their regular visits. She knows that her parents are making this trip with the hope of finding a groom for her. She is amenable to the idea. Bharati was never allowed to date, or mingle freely of her peers in Trinidad's Indian community.
Her friend, Sujata, the daughter of a well-known surgeon, reluctantly agreed to marry the son of a family friend in India. Before the wedding, she committed suicide by drinking gramoxone, a poisonous pesticide. Sujata was in love with a young man in Trinidad, and was too afraid to tell her parents. There is speculation that she might have been pregnant, and saw no other way out.
That will not be Bharati's fate. She will follow the ancient script of courtship and marriage that still prevails widely throughout India.
Once the Narvanis arrive in New Delhi, the uncle - the closest senior male relative in India - arranges a meeting of the two families. Manoj is accompanied by his mother and aunt, Bharati by her mother and uncle. A discreet discussion takes place among the elders: Is Manoj able to support a wife? Can Bharati adapt to a foreign country?
Finally the couple are given a chance to talk alone in another room. Manoj, being more confident, breaks the awkward silence with a joke. In between light bantering, the two manage to ask and answer serious questions about one another. Asking whether Bharati likes Indian movies, for instance, tells him how strong her cultural ties are. She wants to know whether Manoj expects her to be a housewife or will he be happy with her working? Will she live with her in-laws? His answers reassure her that they will live alone, that she is free to work, and that she can visit her parents whenever possible.
The attraction between the couple is immediate...
A month later, there is an elaborate engagement ceremony. Soon after, the wedding takes place in the couple's ancestral home of Baroda, Gujarat.....
Earlier this year, the newlyweds visited Trinidad the Narvani family. Bharati is radiant in her traditional bridal outfit. Manu, as she affectionately calls her husband, looks smugly satisfied. Those of us who knew Bharati before she was married have to admit she has gained confidence, matured and looks very happy.
Bharati's mother, Manju, misses her daughter tremendously, but is satisfied that the arranged marriage was the best she could have done for her.
It can also go horribly wrong. Meena, a 20-year-old high school graduate from Hyderbad in India, end up - through an arranged marriage - with a computer analyst ten years her senior. Sharing their home in Los Angeles, California, was her husband's American girlfriend.
Indian society is quick to reject divorced separated or abandoned women. If Meena went home, her parents' status in society would be shattered. Their pride and honour - on which the highest premium is placed - would make them societal rejects She had no choice but to accept her husband's mistress and live as a semi-servant in his house. Many Indians contend that arranged marriages are more successful than marriages in the West, particularly given the latter's staggering divorce rates. Romantic love does not necessarily lead to a good marriage, and often fails once the passion dissipates, they argue. Real love flows from a properly arranged union between two individuals...